I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
