i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
