I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
