there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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