I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
