coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
