Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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