I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
