seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
