I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize