just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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