Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
