the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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