Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
