just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Shame is for Republicans.
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