Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
