I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
