I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
