3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im six kinds of drunk right now
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
