I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
