Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We have started to decorate penises.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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