I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
