my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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