I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
