Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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