I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
