the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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