Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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