haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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