You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
