So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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