I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I need to sanitize my soul.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
