be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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