I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
