Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
