I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
