btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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