i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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