actually, I'm a sock model
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
