You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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