I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize