the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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