i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
