i permit you to call me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
