Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
