Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
