I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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