the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
