Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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