My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
