Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
