Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
