i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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