i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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