FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
