Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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