she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
