thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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