I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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