I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
