You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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