You made me cry and you don't even care
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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