She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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