i just wanna soil my oats bro
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
