I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
