Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
