that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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