After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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