i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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