You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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