I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He felt like a one man threesome
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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