Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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